Being on this journey, I've come to realize that many of us share the same views, many of the same experiences... we're feeling many of the same feelings, however for some reason, we are keeping these things bottled in (most of the time without even knowing). I, Ms. Grey, am here to share with you my journey. Not for the sake of you, but the release and peace of within myself. I pray that you would be able to learn something from my experiences, maybe you can relate and would like to share with me. Let's read, talk and grow with each other. I am excited to share with you all.
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4/27/2021 2 Comments My Testimonial... part 2Part 2…The Participant This is where is gets a bit more in depth you guys, you know because this is a topic that I super stray from however I know now this may provide the much-sought answers to the questions been asked. Now, by no means necessary, am I upset, angry, disappointed… I have made peace with this individual (within myself) and the things they have done and not done. I accept their flaws and understand that the nature of a person is more difficult to change than actually going along with something you know is wrong. I want to end this intro by saying this, to the women, teenagers, little girls old enough to comprehend…. you are strong and worth ever bit of what you feel and know you deserve. You cannot be broken down by words of hatred from another who don’t even like themselves or lack thereof. Welp, here goes, the story of why I never allowed myself to become daddy’s little girl. Let’s begin with my earliest of memories… I remember my father coming back into my life while I was in junior high school. He came back into my life after how many number of years speaking all the good things a young girl wants to hear. My favorite line was “no matter what, Daddy always loves you”, oh gosh how I detested those very words each time I heard them. It wasn’t the words that were bad, it was the actions that followed that never really seem to match up. He would repeat this over and over again and I’m pretty sure, that if I heard it today I would probably vomit in my mouth. Now, before I go into extreme detail let me explain something, by no means was this man ever barred from seeing me nor building a relationship with me, that was decision made on his own and whatever influences surrounded him. Well back to the memory… it began one night I was already in my bed preparing for school the next day with my Christina Aguilera Genie In The Bottle album playing in the background when I’m told there’s someone here to see me. Half asleep, I get up, and there he is, just standing there with that smirk on his face. Yes, I am beautiful and polite (my mom has been doing a great job thus far), in shock but in awe it seems. You see he was a truck driver, as used his job as the excuse for not being around as much. We spoke briefly about how old I was at the time, what grade I was in… you know, just small talk when you’ve abandoned your child for almost 13 years and have no clue what to say to her. You know, I didn’t give any attitude nor was I standoffish, I was actually welcoming. Here this man was that I’ve always wondered about, here was the opportunity for me to be “Daddy’s little girl”, or so I thought. After this he picked me up from school a few times (in the middle of the day at that, so I was missing out on my schoolwork), we got some food, spent some hours together, then back home. I even got the chance to meet some of my cousins (that don’t live too far it just hasn’t been that type of relationship), some other family members and I even saw my grandfather a couple of times (he’s now deceased). It was nice meeting the other side of my family, them telling me how much they love and missed me (however, to my knowledge didn’t make much of an effort to contact me), however that welcoming feeling that you get when you meet people who are genuine about you, I didn’t get that. I didn’t feel as welcomed as the words that came out their mouth were to make me. So anyway, this taking me out of school happened for a while, long enough for me to fall behind in my schoolwork and receive a letter for summer school. While all of this was happening, he was more concerned about me going to South Carolina to meet the rest of the family versus going to summer school and not being left back in the seventh grade. Welp, guess who got left back, who was unable to go get my grades right (and I wasn’t a bad student, academically), who was able to meet the cousins and family that she never spoke again really after that, ME! This was the beginning of the let downs and unfulfilled promises, and let me tell you, there were promises. To this day there are still promises, however there are no longer a comfort because I am no longer his fool. He disappeared shortly after that trip, returned some years later. I accepted him back into my life yet again, thought that now that I’m older things would be different. Unfortunately, the disappointed continued and this time it hurt more, I guess because I was able to interpret the hurt. I began noticing other girls with their fathers and the relationships they had and I longed for it. I really did and it wasn’t until the very last time I accepted him back which is when I realized that this relationship was not worth building, maintaining, nor having on any level. My father has been my downfall for as long as I can remember and although I want to find it in my heart to forgive him, I decided to forgive myself instead for allowing him to return. The pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the lies, the unfulfilled promises, all of which lead up to this undying hatred I have towards him. A father is supposed to be there when his little girl falls down and scraps her knee. A father is supposed to be there when she gets her heart broken for the first time. A father is supposed to be there to walk her down the aisle and give her away. She is supposed to be daddy’s little girl, his princess, his pride and joy. Those beautiful years where she is still vulnerable and innocent and he can still be there to protect her. What happens when those times are lost, when they never even existed? It’s such a shame how there is this place in a young girls heart that only daddy can fill, but he is never there. Sucks how you don’t know how it feels to have that father figure in your life to help guide you and teach you about all the things boys talk about and prepare you for what’s to come. A father is supposed to be the example of what type of man she will have in the future, create the image of what a real man is supposed to be. A mother can only do but so much, but she can’t always be both although she tries. In saying that, I love you mommy with all my heart and I thank you for everything you have and will continue to do for me. Luckily, I had some pretty amazing male figured in my lifetime that were able to do some of these things, and for that I thank you. My life has been such a mess with me trying to figure out how I could have that father-daughter relationship I longed for, however once I truly looked in the mirror, I realized that I was too good for him. The fact that he did not value me enough as his daughter was enough for me to let it go and I have… now. Let me end this by saying, this has absolutely nothing to do with that entire side of the family. I would love to be able to build those relationships where you and your cousins are as close as can be, you can call each other and talk about any and everything and always be around and there for each other.....maybe one day.
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4/19/2021 1 Comment My Testimonial...These past two years have been a journey of pain, depression, self awareness, discipline and most importantly growth. I’ve learned that no matter how much you love someone, they still may not love me the same and I accept that now. I have grown sooooooo much since letting go of those who claim to care but didn’t. Who only used me for my everything. HOWEVER I have gained so much more and then some since learning the art of let it go! Manifestations becoming reality... effortlessly and genuinely becoming the woman I am supposed to be and receiving all that I am deserving of. Read along as I finally get this out and complete this chapter of my healing process. I hope that by my expressing my experience, my story, someone will be able to heal on their own journey. Part One… The Relationship For ten years, I was in what one would call an emotionally restrictive relationship. However, it did not start out as such, or did it? The infidelity began almost immediately after the relationship did (well I called it a relationship). Crazy how two people can be together but not be together. In what reality does this make any logical sense….oh yeah, this society. Society today makes it seems “okay” that a man lies, cheats, and emotionally scares the “woman” they claim to love and want to be with, however always entertaining the thought and/or presence of another each free moment that presents itself. My apologies, I am getting off topic. So the infidelity began a short three months into the "relationship" which is when I should have known to run far far away. Not only did I forgive, but I forgave and forgave and forgave and forgave and forgave until I slipped up and was unfaithful for an evening. Nothing that I am proud of and something that I do wish didn’t happen. It wasn’t worth the few moments of pleasure that really weren’t that pleasurable (the part no one really speaks on). I believe I was more upset than anything because of the person I was to go back home to, that I just needed the touch of another. Fast forward some years and we have a mixture of depression, miscarriages, weight loss consistent crying…let me tell you, ya girl was a whole hot mess! A hot mess that I couldn’t and wouldn’t admit to being (however my loved pointed it out on many occasions)….until now. I know that we all have different experiences with the people we choose to dedicate our time, our money, our dreams and hopes and love into and for them to sell you the dream they believe you want however never really making any true action steps to accomplish said goals, it is not worth the mental decay it puts you through. I was not perfect neither, we all have our flaws and I apologize for the behavior in which I displayed because it wasn’t worth the reaction. You have to learn the art of not reacting and expressing resilience and growth. Many things have happened along the years, all not bad but none of it really good. Incurred some debt, never really traveled anywhere (my life was four walls that often looked the very same). Trapped within my relationship, knowing that I should leave however choosing to stay because the thought of him becoming the man I needed him to be (whenever that may be) sounded much better than being alone. It didn’t matter that this person didn’t support my dreams and aspirations, talked me out of many things I desired but did not pursue…oh the possibilities of where I could have been had I grown some backbone back then. Now, I realize that I was still learning at that time so I could not see the big picture. I was learning how not to live in conditions that I find unpleasant, learning to let go of what does not fit onto my path of success, learning to take the positive out of the situation and spread love and light instead of allowing others to affect my being. One morning in late May 2019, I began crying and crying and crying hysterically until it physically made me sick. Almost didn’t make it to work, just throw up and heat flashes and panic attacks everywhere, uncontrollably. It was a truly unpleasant morning, which however did not start out that way. It began in a loving manner, filled with what I thought to be care and intention to do better. This feeling began as I was getting ready to leave for work as I was staring at the photo of us (that I put up) on the mantel. I must have stared at that photo for about ten minutes and then… well you know now. It was in this moment that I knew that my life needed a change and not just any change but a drastic change! How could a photo make a person that ill? What exactly was going through my mind at that moment that disgusted me that much? I’ll tell you, I was thinking about the lies recently told, the lies that cut through my soul, the lies that broke me to the point where I felt I had nothing left to give. Because, I didn’t. He had taken it all and didn’t even know or want it and here I was praising him and painting a pretty picture for all those looking. I needed to stop it! So, in my process of learning, we had a conversation what seemed to be an understanding, or basically I thought we did, he was just buttering me up until I found out about the next. Any ways, about a few days later, absolutely nothing had changed and the evidence was clearly apparent of this, I downloaded the UHaul app, got a van, packed my things and left! I was no longer going to allow this person to treat me this way, to behave as if I do not matter because you think I wont ever leave. There comes a point in each persons life, when they realize they deserve more and they are not going to put up with the mistreatment and disrespect any further. I knew that my life was going to continue to be the nothingness that it was if I continued to stay and I could not bare the thought of that anymore, therefore it was time to vacate the premises. I didn’t even care anymore that this was my space that I was leaving, I earned this space and you did everything in your power for me to lose it. I willingly relinquish it and to be honest I have not regretted this decision at all since I’ve gained the courage to make it. This was the best decision of my life. Even with the negatives that followed the permanent disconnection, there have been so many positives that have bloomed. I am extremely grateful for this experience however unpleasant it was. The memories good and bad all taught lessons that I still hold on to because without this experience, I would not know what I don’t like, what I will not tolerate, how I deserve to be treated, how to love myself unconditionally first and foremost and all that is meant to be will follow accordingly. I would not know what genuine care feels like or how to be and give such. I have become a better person for myself as well as those surrounding me. I wish no ill will upon anyone, that isn’t right by any means. I wish all those all that they are deserving of and that they find their happy. I will always emit love, light and positive vibes regardless of circumstance. Learning the art of Let It Go. |
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