Being on this journey, I've come to realize that many of us share the same views, many of the same experiences... we're feeling many of the same feelings, however for some reason, we are keeping these things bottled in (most of the time without even knowing). I, Ms. Grey, am here to share with you my journey. Not for the sake of you, but the release and peace of within myself. I pray that you would be able to learn something from my experiences, maybe you can relate and would like to share with me. Let's read, talk and grow with each other. I am excited to share with you all.
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4/27/2021 2 Comments My Testimonial... part 2Part 2…The Participant This is where is gets a bit more in depth you guys, you know because this is a topic that I super stray from however I know now this may provide the much-sought answers to the questions been asked. Now, by no means necessary, am I upset, angry, disappointed… I have made peace with this individual (within myself) and the things they have done and not done. I accept their flaws and understand that the nature of a person is more difficult to change than actually going along with something you know is wrong. I want to end this intro by saying this, to the women, teenagers, little girls old enough to comprehend…. you are strong and worth ever bit of what you feel and know you deserve. You cannot be broken down by words of hatred from another who don’t even like themselves or lack thereof. Welp, here goes, the story of why I never allowed myself to become daddy’s little girl. Let’s begin with my earliest of memories… I remember my father coming back into my life while I was in junior high school. He came back into my life after how many number of years speaking all the good things a young girl wants to hear. My favorite line was “no matter what, Daddy always loves you”, oh gosh how I detested those very words each time I heard them. It wasn’t the words that were bad, it was the actions that followed that never really seem to match up. He would repeat this over and over again and I’m pretty sure, that if I heard it today I would probably vomit in my mouth. Now, before I go into extreme detail let me explain something, by no means was this man ever barred from seeing me nor building a relationship with me, that was decision made on his own and whatever influences surrounded him. Well back to the memory… it began one night I was already in my bed preparing for school the next day with my Christina Aguilera Genie In The Bottle album playing in the background when I’m told there’s someone here to see me. Half asleep, I get up, and there he is, just standing there with that smirk on his face. Yes, I am beautiful and polite (my mom has been doing a great job thus far), in shock but in awe it seems. You see he was a truck driver, as used his job as the excuse for not being around as much. We spoke briefly about how old I was at the time, what grade I was in… you know, just small talk when you’ve abandoned your child for almost 13 years and have no clue what to say to her. You know, I didn’t give any attitude nor was I standoffish, I was actually welcoming. Here this man was that I’ve always wondered about, here was the opportunity for me to be “Daddy’s little girl”, or so I thought. After this he picked me up from school a few times (in the middle of the day at that, so I was missing out on my schoolwork), we got some food, spent some hours together, then back home. I even got the chance to meet some of my cousins (that don’t live too far it just hasn’t been that type of relationship), some other family members and I even saw my grandfather a couple of times (he’s now deceased). It was nice meeting the other side of my family, them telling me how much they love and missed me (however, to my knowledge didn’t make much of an effort to contact me), however that welcoming feeling that you get when you meet people who are genuine about you, I didn’t get that. I didn’t feel as welcomed as the words that came out their mouth were to make me. So anyway, this taking me out of school happened for a while, long enough for me to fall behind in my schoolwork and receive a letter for summer school. While all of this was happening, he was more concerned about me going to South Carolina to meet the rest of the family versus going to summer school and not being left back in the seventh grade. Welp, guess who got left back, who was unable to go get my grades right (and I wasn’t a bad student, academically), who was able to meet the cousins and family that she never spoke again really after that, ME! This was the beginning of the let downs and unfulfilled promises, and let me tell you, there were promises. To this day there are still promises, however there are no longer a comfort because I am no longer his fool. He disappeared shortly after that trip, returned some years later. I accepted him back into my life yet again, thought that now that I’m older things would be different. Unfortunately, the disappointed continued and this time it hurt more, I guess because I was able to interpret the hurt. I began noticing other girls with their fathers and the relationships they had and I longed for it. I really did and it wasn’t until the very last time I accepted him back which is when I realized that this relationship was not worth building, maintaining, nor having on any level. My father has been my downfall for as long as I can remember and although I want to find it in my heart to forgive him, I decided to forgive myself instead for allowing him to return. The pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the lies, the unfulfilled promises, all of which lead up to this undying hatred I have towards him. A father is supposed to be there when his little girl falls down and scraps her knee. A father is supposed to be there when she gets her heart broken for the first time. A father is supposed to be there to walk her down the aisle and give her away. She is supposed to be daddy’s little girl, his princess, his pride and joy. Those beautiful years where she is still vulnerable and innocent and he can still be there to protect her. What happens when those times are lost, when they never even existed? It’s such a shame how there is this place in a young girls heart that only daddy can fill, but he is never there. Sucks how you don’t know how it feels to have that father figure in your life to help guide you and teach you about all the things boys talk about and prepare you for what’s to come. A father is supposed to be the example of what type of man she will have in the future, create the image of what a real man is supposed to be. A mother can only do but so much, but she can’t always be both although she tries. In saying that, I love you mommy with all my heart and I thank you for everything you have and will continue to do for me. Luckily, I had some pretty amazing male figured in my lifetime that were able to do some of these things, and for that I thank you. My life has been such a mess with me trying to figure out how I could have that father-daughter relationship I longed for, however once I truly looked in the mirror, I realized that I was too good for him. The fact that he did not value me enough as his daughter was enough for me to let it go and I have… now. Let me end this by saying, this has absolutely nothing to do with that entire side of the family. I would love to be able to build those relationships where you and your cousins are as close as can be, you can call each other and talk about any and everything and always be around and there for each other.....maybe one day.
2 Comments
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